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A Haiku For Every Girl I’ve Ever Slept With

1. The haiku form is

Of an appropriate length

To describe this fuck

2. When I handcuffed you

It was so insanely hot

I came in my jeans

3. We used to have sex

So we didn’t have to talk

Now we do neither

4. We had a threesome

You, me and my depression

Depression fucks hard

5. I shouted my love

From the rooftops before

Almost jumping off

6. You didn’t like me

But you did like my writing

I guess that’s enough

7. Entangled, twitching

We came down as cenotaphs

Numb with limbless minds

8. Tried your fantasy

And pretended to rape you

It felt a bit forced

9. You learned of my pain

And said you’d try to fix me

That wasn’t your job

10. You weren’t attractive

But alcohol and codeine

Made a mess of me

11. You liked to be choked

You stuffed animals for fun

You were just my type

12. Halfway through you sobbed

Said you were touched as a child

I stopped and held you

13. 13 is bad luck

But three’s a lucky number

14 would agree

14. It wasn’t awkward

It was just double the fun

That’s arithmitic

15. Puked everywhere

And then fell into a bush

You still wanted me

16. Our contrasting skin

Meant some passersby would stare

And we just loved it

17. You were a model

Who found me through my writing

Thankyou, internet

18. We made a sex tape

I hope I find it before

My family does

19. I whipped you too hard

Inadvertently drew blood

Apologised quick

20. Cars drove by as I

Fingered you at a bus stop

(A romantic date)

21. It’s strange to think it

But before you miscarried

Was I a father?

22. We both bared it all

Online for our followers

In different ways

23. “You don’t care” you said

So I pretended to cry

And then we had sex

24. You liked taking charge

And I went along with it

Out of laziness

25. I tried to whip you

Then I hit my testicles

It ruined the mood

26. It took twenty five

Twenty five misconnections

Before I found you

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